Feng Shui on Hootenholler Ridge




Let’s feng shui yer front yard first…



To start, ya oughtta move that ole pickup that’s sittin’ on blocks in yer front yard to back out behind yer traileer, mobile home.  It’s messin’ up the danged horseshoe pitchin’ pit anyway.


Them ole wooden steps up to the front door look purdy rasty.  Paint ‘em with some a that John Deere green you got.


Hey, you ain’t got no skirting on that trailer!  Why don’tcha set sum of them hay bales along there – least in front anyways.


Them two tractor tire flower beds suck.  Git all them beer cans outta there, poke some of them plastic posies in there and use some more of that John Deere green where it’ll do some good.


Stid of just lettin’ that old crapper lay in the front ditch, why don’tcha think about knockin’ the back offa it, tossin’ some dirt in it and makinanuther flower bed.  Bet it’d look danged good!


Yur mailbox is lookin’ like crap and sides it’s bout ready to fall offa that rotten ole fence post.  Why don’tcha whip it onto that cool ole wagon wheel ya got out back?  Jest use soma that balin’ wire that you got wadded up in the backa that ole pickup.  Huh?  Whacha think?


Nah, that ole dawg house ain’t gonna hurt nothinsettin’ where it is.  Ya might think about usin’ up a little more of yer J.D. green on it tho.


Well, thas lookin’ better now, huh?  Les see what we can do fur the inside a yer place.



Whoa… yer front door sucks the big green weenie.  Ain’t never been painted, huh?  You got the paint… use it!


Hey dude… you need to scoot yer danged recliner over about a foot so’s we can git the door open more.  Sides, if yer belly gits any bigger, you ain’t gonna be able thru there no way.


First thing ya oughtta do, is git that Chevy block outta the middle of yer living room.  Move it to the back porch where it belongs.  Scoot at ole fridge over if you haf to…


You ain’t got no idea bout this energy flow stuff, do ya?


Them deer heads over the couch need to be straightened up.  They look like they’s about half drunk.


Whut the heck is them Playboys doing on yer milk crate coffee table?  Get ‘em back in the bathroom where they belong!


All them empty beer cans jist layin around?  Stack ‘em up over in the corner.  Dang dude…


Whuts with all the old newspapers piled on the far end of the couch?  Toss ‘em out back so’s Old Blu will at least have someplace comforble to lay.


Whut about the bedroom?  Screw it.  You ain’t doin’ nuthin’ in there cept sleepin’ sometimes anyways.



Yer kitchen could use a little work tho.  You all done doin’ yer reloadin’?  Well then, git yer shit offa the danged table and cram it back in the closet where it belongs.


Next, git one a them trash bags and pick up all them empty pizza boxes and burger wrappers and toss it out back with the newspapers.  Yer a real pig sometimes, ain’t ya?


And stack them danged beer cans in with the others in the front room…


Why don’tcha snag them two Chevy heads from offa the counter and set ‘em out back with yer engine?


Now we’re gittin’ there!  Man, I can almost feel that energy zappin’ thru here…


Whut about the bathroom?  Screw it.  Yer shower’s busted so’s all yer doin’ in there is settin’ and readin’.  How much energy flow do ya need fur that?



Well hell… that oughtta bout do it.  Nah, don’t worry about out backa the trailer.  Ain’t nobody goes out there anyways so who gives a crap.  Sides, it’d take too much work to pick up all that shit.  I think we bout feng shui’d nuff.  You got an extra beer in the fridge?



(Would it work if I blamed the above piece on too much caffeine?  Nah, I didn’t think so…)



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